Once there were two friends, Oyot the bush rat and Emiong
the bat. Everyday while out hunting, they would stop to have lunch together. They would take turns cooking the noon
meal and Emiong’s dishes were always the best. While they ate they would speak of their adventures and
everyday lives. Oyot spoke often
of his wife, but not kindly. Emiong couldn’t understand how someone with such a
wonderful wife could speak so poorly of her. Emiong himself had no wife and was often overcome with
jealously for his friend.
One day on his way home, Emiong came upon Oyot’s wife. She
was crying in her garden. Emiong asked what was wrong and she told him the
cruel things Oyot had said to her.
Emiong’s jealously soared and he new he must do something to stop Oyot’s
cruelty. He felt that Oyot’s wife
deserved better and perhaps he could provide it.
(Rat/bat love, Source: Funnyjunk.com)
The next day when Emiong and Oyot met for lunch he felt he
must act. Poison would be to obvious and too gentle a fate. Instead Emiong
devised a plan based on something he knew well: jealously. Oyot had always envied Emiong’s
superior skill at the cook fire and he would use this to his advantage.
As a token of their long friendship, Emiong offered to teach
Oyot the secret to his wonderful soups Emiong told Oyot that the dishes gained
their flavor from Emiong’s own body. He would boil himself in the broth and
that was the source of the rich flavor.
Oyot was incredulous but Emiong had expected that and prepared a kettle
of warm water to demonstrate his technique. Oyot believe that Emiong had
actually bathed in the boiling water and remained unharmed. Emiong presented the soup, which he had
secretly prepared earlier and Oyot was convinced.
That evening Oyot returned home to his wife with his new
found knowledge. He told her to go
out to the garden and gather some vegetables for the stew he would
prepare. Oyot’s wife obediently
went to her garden and found Emiong.
Emiong told her of his plan to get rid of Oyot and begged her to run
away with him. Oyot’s wife was
aghast. Perhaps her husband was harsh but she loved him. How could Emiong do such a thing to his
friend.
She ran back into the house to stop her husband but was too
late. Her grief was great but she
knew she must tell the King immediately.
Upon hearing the sad tale decreed that the bat should be hunted down and
imprisoned.
Confused and hurt Emiong ran away. From that day on he lived
as fugitive and could only venture out at night.
Author's Note: This story was adapted from Why the Bat Flies at Night, which is part of the Nigerian Folk stories unit. I did not deviate much from the original storyline, but I wanted to provide some motivation and depth to the characters. When I read this story, I had many questions as to why Emiong felt the way he did about Oyat. It seems that Oyat should have been the jealous one in the relationship due to Emiong's superior cooking skills. I also wanted to make Emiong's wife a larger part of the story. As with most disputes among male friends, I decided a woman should be involved. I used a third person storytelling style consistent with the original story but chose to exclude dialog.
Hi Kalin!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading your story! I like how the story didn't end how I expected it to. I definitely believed that Oyat's wife would agree with Emiong's plan and that they would run off together. But, I also liked how it tied into the reason why bats fly at night! I think you're writing style is also very good. Everything was easy to read and the flow was good, too!
Some small things that I noticed: in the third paragraph I think the "to" in front of the word obvious was meant to be "too." Also, I believe there should be a period or something such as a semicolon to separate "soups," from "Emiong."
Great job!
I thought this story was very interesting. I did not read this unit and enjoyed the original story as well. I think telling the story and excluding dialogue made it more of a folktale in a sense. I enjoy stories in such a form that they give a moral lesson or a significant meaning at the end. I look forward to reading more of your stories!
ReplyDeleteI liked your story, it was a nice retelling. However, I disagree with Sara's comment. (No offense!)
ReplyDeleteI think that this story would do much better with dialogue. I think it adds a natural and interesting dimension to a story. Additionally, dialogue is what is natural to a reader. So, rather than saying "Emiong asked what was wrong and she told him the cruel things Oyot had said to her." You would do:
"What's wrong?" Emiong asked.
"Oh, this that and the other," Oyot's wife said and cried.
I also think naming Oyot's wife would be a nice addition as well.
Anyways, practice and play around with dialogue. I think you'll find that it's fun to write and adds a nice dimension to your story.
Also, remember to put the same topics together in the same paragraph, and seperate out differing topics.
Other than that, it really was a good story! I think you also did a great job handling who the characters are!
Thanks Lore. I typically use dialogue but wanted to try something different with this story. It was difficult and a little unnatural but many traditional stories exclude dialogue and I was trying to capture that feeling. Any advice on where I should break up the paragraphs?
Delete